Nicolas Cage

Who is Nicolas Cage?

First, allow us to clarify a few facts.

• He's considered an actor - This is entirely debatable. 

• Cage is the nephew of Francis Ford Coppola. He changed his name early in his career from Coppola to Cage in an effort to eschew claims of nepotism from the acting community. Yeah, whatever. His uncle didn't have ANYTHING to do with his immediate success in a remarkably difficult and nepotistic industry.  For every 100 so-called stars whose parents ushered them into the limelight, there are about .00005 unknowns who ever become famous. Love him or hate him, Nicolas Cage is a case-study in riding his family name to fame and fortune. 

• Cage never had to worry about money a day in his life and his current bankruptcy problems are proof of his inability to understand the value of the money that is literally thrown at him. We aren't going to argue he doesn't work hard, but really, how hard do you have to work to earn a $20 million paycheck for maybe three months worth of an action-movie shoot? 

So, what is Cage blaming his former money manager for exactly? The lawsuit Cage filed alleges that Levin "had failed to pay taxes when they were due and had placed [Cage] in speculative and risky real estate investments 'resulting in (the actor) suffering catastrophic losses'."

Here's a brief look at Cage's decade-plus-long shopping spree:

• 15 palatial homes — Including:
• a 1940 Bel Air mansion worth $30 million in 2006
• a 13,000-square-foot, six-bedroom house in the Garden District in New Orleans worth $3.5 million
• "The LaLaurie house" on Royal Street in the French Quarter in New Orleans, worth $3.5 million
• a home in Middletown, Rhode Island. The 24,000-square-foot (2,200 m2), brick-and-stone country manor occupies 26 acres, has 12 bedrooms, 10 full bathrooms, and ocean views and borders the Norman Bird Sanctuary. The estate is called the "Grey Craig"
• a property on Paradise Island, Bahamas
• two Bahamian islands — Including:
• a 40-acre (160,000 m2) island in the Exuma archipelago
• two European castles — Including:
• Midford Castle in Somerset, England
• the medieval castle of Schloss Neidstein in the Oberpfalz region in Germany
• motorcycles
• a Gulfstream jet
• 4 yachts
• 22 cars — Including:
• 9 Rolls Royces
• the shah of Iran's Lamborghini
• expensive watches
• an enormous pet collection — including:
• rare venomous snakes
• massive amounts of jewelry for the women in his life
• group vacations for his entire entourage
• 47 purchases of artwork and exotic items — Including:
• meteorites
• dinosaur skulls
• shrunken heads

Cage's money-manager, Mr.Levin, said he warned Cage that he needed to earn $30 million a year "just to maintain his lavish lifestyle" and he countered Cage's claim that the actor was left in the dark about his finances.

"Levin repeatedly warned Cage that he was living beyond his means, urged him to spend less, and warned him that financial disaster loomed if he continued to spend uncontrollably," Levin's filing said. Cage should have known about his debt because "he signed every check for every monetary transaction throughout the relationship." [CNN]

Nicolas ... really ... you aren't a victim. You're a spoiled brat who wouldn't be shit if it weren't for your family name. Be a man and accept responsibility for your own unbelievable stupidity. You had it all and will have it all again because, for some reason, people want to pay you enormous sums of money to grimace and deliver insipid one-liners in cinematic abominations.

You, dear Nicolas, deserve to be broke, flat broke, for the rest of your life ... But, you won't be and that unfair truth reveals a quintessential flaw in the universe.